01 From the Ditch of Life

…I stood next to the (hole/ditch) of lifeكوة, the original word in arabic means hole or ditch, but does also carry connotations of opening or aperture, i don’t know why i stand there, or who is it that put me there. While people, in the path, passing by. So I examined the faces and the movements, wondering if I would find there what makes me different from them, and them from me. Wondering if I would understand what is it that is asked of me, despite of my novelty, confusion, ignorance and lack of experience. And so, I started admiring the people and envy them for what they have, for what I will never have. And I take console with the appearances of gloominess when it appear on them, to be a connection, even if (flimsy/ slight) between me and them. And still, I felt nothing but more of my confusion and helplessness, nothing more than a feeling that i am a shadow that is dispensable to these laughing (faces/folks)— even though this shadow is asked of so much that he does not know. And so, for a moment, I thought I have reached the bottom of despair, that I have became drunk (from the glass of bitterness). And then, it dawned on me, that there is an intangible existence (an untouchable being) called happiness. And I felt an ardent passion to get to know what it is, to enjoy it. But then, I got to realize that there is nothing harder on the soul in its loneliness, and silence than its helplessness to get that violent feelings, and still to desperately need it….